so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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