Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hippo gnu deer
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize