she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
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would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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