dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
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Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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