he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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