my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
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Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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