____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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