hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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