I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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