I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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