I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize