I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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