His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
In America we eat man semen.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
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So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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