Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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