im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
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