I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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