I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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