All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize