I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize