i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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