I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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