i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize