Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
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My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize