just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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