the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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