Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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