DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
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Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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