what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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