Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize