I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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