Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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