you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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