i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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