My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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