Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
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Also, beer. Big fan.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize