apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
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I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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