Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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