Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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