i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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