I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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