I just pynch a tree in the face
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize