i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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