you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
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I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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