I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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