Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
