i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
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dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize