yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
