she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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