i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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