I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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